Moving Beyond Forgiveness

How would it be to finally realise and accept your own humanness:  your fallibility, your struggles and challenges, your imperfections?  Wouldn't that give space for everyone else to be utterly human too?  We hear so much about forgiveness in healing and self-development circles, but do we really need to forgive?  What does forgiveness actually mean?

If we unpick forgiveness, we realise that inherent in any idea of forgiveness is the judgment of something as bad or wrong that needs to be forgiven.  Yet aren't we also encouraged to give up all our judgments?  How can these two things go hand in hand?  Aren't these two concepts mutually exclusive?

Imagine what happens to our internal relationship with ourselves when we try to cultivate self-forgiveness.  On one hand, we are believing the judgement that something we did was bad and wrong, and then on the other hand, we are telling ourselves that we are a good person: big enough to forgive and deserving of forgiveness.  It’s really giving ourselves mixed messages!

Last week I had the experience of realising that it was possible to recognise that something I had done did not serve me without making myself wrong for it.  I didn't need to forgive myself because I was able to distinguish that I didn't need forgiveness.  What I needed instead, was to acknowledge that the choice I had made did not serve my highest intentions. I also needed self-love and compassion to understand what limitations had held me back.

If this is true with something we ourselves have done, would we be able to apply it to the actions of others or even past events that we have carried with us?  So often we get caught in the trap of feeling stuck because something happened in the past that we are unable to let go of.  If I want to forgive you, I am actually belittling you by judging your behaviour as wrong and then being the big person, the one who forgives you!  It is in effect a power play, a way to strengthen our own egos, in the guise of being good and right and loving. 

In the process of trying to forgive past events, we solidify them in our own minds as wrong in order to cultivate the forgiveness that we seek from ourselves, from others, or for others. We are underscoring the idea that we or another person ‘should’ have done better. Is it not true that we all do the best that we can at any given time? We may not live up to the highest capacity that we know resides within us, but we do what we are capable of in that moment. If we drop the idea that we or others have done something wrong and ‘should’ have done better, we can investigate in a much more constructive manner. We can calmly analyze, with love, not criticism, why our capacity was limited at that moment, and learn from this reflection.

What does it mean to ‘move beyond forgiveness’?

The idea is simple, instead of judging and determining that a particular behaviour is bad or wrong, you simply look and see: did it really serve your or the other’s intentions?  Did it reflect your/their highest capacity?  Was love present in the choice and in the action?

Look for what you know to be good and loving in yourself or in the other person, and then acknowledge any limitations you or they might have – challenges from the past, insecurities or fears about how you/they will be perceived or whether you/they will be liked, guilt because you/they didn’t communicate as clearly as you/they would have liked, difficulty in expressing your/their needs.  For whatever reason, recognise that you or the other person were just not able to do any better in that moment. 

It’s all very basic human stuff at the end of the day, and the more we can allow ourselves to be fallible and admit our weaknesses, the more we can give the same space to others.

Changing Perspective: Letting go of your grievances

Wouldn’t it be nice if by letting go of our grievances, we could immediately and tangibly change the energy in our interpersonal relationships?  If simply by changing our perspective and attitude, the other person’s perspective and attitude could shift? This is indeed the case.  The power does lie within us to create that shift, that change that can dissolve a day’s worth of bickering, or years’ worth of mistrustfulness.  A positive intention to change our attitude is infinitely more effective than a manipulative attempt to force another to respond how we would like.  The essence is in realising that we hold the power.  It does not lie outside of us, in the other person.  We are not dependant on others to create that change, we ourselves can shift the relationship simply by being willing to let go and bring love back to centre stage.

What follows are an example and a testimonial demonstrating how powerful letting go and changing our perspective can be in creating a breakthrough. 

Example:  A friend of mine and her partner were having a difficult day, recently, and she confided in me that her partner had been extremely angry and reactive.  She’d left the house to give her some space, and was really baffled by what to do; they’d had plans for that evening. Another friend who was with us reminded her that she probably just needed a lot of reassurance, because they’d gone through a really rough time a few months back. She took the advice in, and realized, “yeah, she must still be really scared because of what happened.” After thinking for a few minutes, she called her partner on the phone. Her partner had independently shifted, and was apologizing for her behavior. “I know. It’s okay,” my friend told her. “I love you. I just love you..... It’s okay. I love you.” 

I could not help but note that as soon as my friend had changed her perspective, allowing more love and softness in, her partner felt that she was loved, and softened as well. What a beautiful way to spur dramatic change in our relationships. How inspiring to know that the power lies within us!

Testimonial: About three days ago, Charu did a healing on me that focused on my relationship with my father. I was facing a lot of fear of him. Charu led me through an exercise in which I created a sphere of golden light around me, a safety sphere that he could not enter into. With that protective sphere surrounding me, I played hide-and-go-seek with my Dad, drew with crayons with him, and re-lived other childhood times with him. Not only did I feel completely relaxed with him for the first time, but I also saw his humanity for the first time, his tenderness, his vulnerability.

            I felt a bit wobbly after that healing session. I could feel something fundamental shifting inside of me; it seemed as if something was sorting itself out in my subconscious.

            A few days later, I suddenly remembered that it was Fathers’ Day.  I hurried to call home. Dad asked me, “So what are you doing in London?” Panic started to rise in my throat, a familiar closing feeling. Dad doesn’t know anything about my life these days, and certainly nothing about healing and emotional processing.  But almost as soon as it began to rise, the panic dissolved, my throat unclenched, and a settled feeling came to my chest. I was able to tell Dad about the amazing healings I’d been having.  I talked about “emotions”, a word I’d not dared to say to Dad for years, and told him for the first time how incredibly afraid I had been for years after I’d broken my back, something I’d never admitted to. Dad kept saying, “uh-huh” really digesting what I was saying, and he shared thoughts and feelings from his side. It was astounding, yet the conversation was completely natural. I hung up the phone and stared at my partner with shock. “I have not had that open of a conversation with my father for 20 years!”

            It was clear to me that I was much less scared of my father.  Because I had stopped defining him as such a scary guy, he was able to not be!  I had given him the space to grow and to change, to not remain the young father of that scared little girl.  This is a profound change, a dramatic shift in our relationship. To think that I’d energetically been holding us static all this time, unnecessarily!

Practical Exercise:  This exercise only needs to take a few minutes.  If you want to make it longer you can, but sometimes it’s best just to let it flow through you, feel the sense of letting go and then move on with your day!

1)    Sit or stand in a comfortable position.  Feel your feet on the    floor and imagine roots growing down into the earth, allowing the energy of the earth to flow up into your body.  This will ground you and help you to stay present through the exercise. 

2)    Take 3 deep breaths, and with each inhalation, feel yourself drawing all your strength, all your power, all your energy from any person, place or experience where you may have left it, into the centre of your belly.  You can continue this for a few more breaths if it feels helpful. 

3)    Imagine golden light radiating out from your heart, into your body and out through your skin to fill the space around you.  You are creating a golden orb about 6-12 inches all around you.  This is your safe space. 

4)    Bring a person to mind with whom you have had difficulties.  It’s probably best to start with something relatively ‘light’.  Ask yourself ‘what was I feeling in that situation?’ and acknowledge that it is OK that you felt that way.

5)    Next ask yourself ‘what was I needing in this situation?’ and brainstorm ways that you can meet those needs for yourself. 

6)    Give yourself a hug!

7)    Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  Ask yourself what they might be feeling at the time of the conflict with you.  Acknowledge that it was OK for them to be feeling that way.

8)    Ask yourself what they might have been needing in that situation. Investigate whether you are able to support them in meeting those needs.

9)    Take some time to forgive both yourself and them and feel the flow of love between you.

10) When you feel ready, get in communication with the other person and see how the energy has shifted.  You may be surprised that they get in touch with you or apologise even before you have a chance to say anything!

Surrendering to the Feminine

This is an article I wrote for an e-book that will soon be released...  Details can be seen at The Goddess Quest Facebook Page

In many of the men I have worked on, one of the deepest wounds they hold is the grief and pain around the subjugation of the feminine that they have participated in in past lives and sometimes in the current life.  Deep in the heart of the masculine is a desire to be consumed by the feminine  - the feminine is the container – sexually the man enters INTO the woman, the sperm enters INTO the egg, the masculine exists within the feminine for the first 9 months of existence.  Out of fear of this desire and perhaps due to a simple lack of awareness, the masculine has historically perceived that it FORCES entry, that it is all powerful because it can over-power and demand entry.  The incredible pain that I think exists in the heart of the masculine is the deep underlying dissatisfaction of knowing that to really be received by the feminine, the masculine must be invited in.  Perhaps it can physically enter, but the entry into the sacred inner chamber of the heart of the feminine is granted only to those who seek it humbly, respectfully and reverentially.

From what I have seen, the masculine feels this pain and out of fear of this pain, turns away, thereby continuing to deny the feminine.  It takes a strong heart to face this grief, face the pain of the collective masculine and in a sense apologise for the ignorance that has allowed this wounding of the feminine which ensures that almost every woman keeps her inner sanctuary safe and secure beneath the charade of the perfect manicure or the dinner on the table.  What choice do we have when our hearts and bodies have been broken so many times by the ignorant, fearful masculine that chooses to cover its ignorance and fear with brute force and subjugation?

Whenever I work with men and this theme comes up, I see how confronting it is for both the masculine and the feminine to take down these habitual roles, behaviours, habits and fears and meet each other truly naked.  How can the dominant masculine come to deeply honour and recognise his desire to be contained by the feminine?  How can the feminine come out of centuries of subjugation to step into the power and strength of universal motherhood that is the essence of every woman?  These are deep and powerful themes for a couple to engage with, they will rock every sense of identity we hold dear.  What bravery and courage will we have to bring to the surface of our minds in order to take this journey together?  And yet, how can humanity survive if this journey is not undertaken, if these questions are not asked?

Perhaps this article is mostly written for men, to alert them to the themes that may be underlying their inability to truly find the feminine, but in truth it will take as much courage from the feminine as it does from the masculine.  Despite our nature of yielding, we are so tightly wound in our protection of our own divinity that we often miss it even in ourselves.  I would entreat the masculine, if he is truly sincere in his desire to uncover the sacred feminine, to begin this journey alone.  Even if you are in partnership, do not declare immediately your intentions and expect your partner to open simply because you desire it.  Be radically truthful with yourself.  Are you really, deeply, available for this journey, are you willing to meet your own fear, brutality, longing, mistrust and so on.  Are you prepared to discover the true power of the feminine, are you ready and willing to unleash that in your partner/friend/daughter for the good of all women.  Are you prepared for the changes that may come in your inter-personal dynamic, or the challenges that may come from the other men in your life who get a subtle sense of what you are doing and feel threatened or critical?  If the deepest answer in you is YES then I honour you, for you are truly a man.  And in your manhood, you will begin to uncover a mystery so sacred it has been lost to the world for millennia. 

The fact of the matter is, the Divine Feminine that you are seeking to come into contact with is actually within you.  What we as humanity are lacking, is this innermost connection with ourselves.  As you come into contact with the Goddess within you, you will subtly be giving permission to all of the women (and men!) around you, to come into contact with the Goddess within them.  This is a powerful place to stand.  Humanity can truly shift from the choices of one human being. 

The divine feminine within everybody holds a tremendous amount of power.  In Hindu mythology, the feminine is designated as creation, the masculine as the detached, underlying consciousness.  We cannot have one without the other, but the subjugation of the feminine essence for aeons is coming close to destroying this incredible creation that we are all a unique and magnificent part of.  This journey  is not simply a personal one, the need for it to be made is much bigger and the power that is calling for you to step in is not limited to your small, personal mind/emotions/desires. 

If the essence of the masculine is logical, linear, rational and controlled, the essence of the feminine is wild, free, uncontainable power.   The invitation of this journey from control to freedom is surrender.  But to what are we surrendering, and what must be surrendered?   In truth, we are not surrendering to anything outside of ourselves.  It is not an external force, not a limited notion of just doing what your partner asks you to do, or a controlling and punishing ‘god’ figure that we have to give our power and autonomy away to.  We are surrendering to our own essence, the pure consciousness that animates all of creation.  All that has happened, through the length of human history, is that we have built up so many veils, masks and concepts about who we are that we miss the bright, shining light in the centre of each and every human heart.  So what we are surrendering is these veils, masks and concepts.  We’re giving away all the clinging and attachment to specialness, separation, being right, even being safe!  We’re coming to a reckoning with life that magically and radically alters both the relationship with ourselves and every other relationship that creates our life.  Suddenly we don’t need theories of how to relate because we simply look inside and find out how we would truly like to be treated.  When we give up the notion that the Divine Feminine is somehow separate from what we already are, there is nowhere to go to build a relationship with it. 

I am not interested in giving you a list of what women want, or how to treat us.  I know that you actually know already, it’s just a case of having the courage to step into what you know, to step into what you truly are.  Instead I want to offer you basic, simple practises that can easily be incorporated into our daily lives so that we are not only setting an intention but actively doing something every day to reinforce that commitment within ourselves.  When we set a powerful intention for ourselves, we create an anchor that is capable of holding us through the storms that may come as we start diving deep.  Remind yourself daily of your intention, that way, if challenges come, you will easily remember the reason they have shown up and find the courage and strength to meet them with love and gratitude, knowing that they are the crucible in which our dross is being burnt off.  This journey may not be always enjoyable or easy, but the joy and peace of being that arises from an ever deepening connection with ourselves and the heart of mystery that lies within us each of us takes us to a level of fulfilment few have touched. 

1. Make a connection for yourself with a form of the Goddess that you feel drawn to and choose for yourself an image that you can develop a relationship with and invite Her to teach you.  This may be an idol of a traditional deity such as Mother Mary, Lakshmi, Brigid, Kali etc or you may choose a natural object to represent mother nature or even an image that reminds you of the formless, all powerful feminine.  Whatever you choose, allow it to be something that speaks to your heart as well as pleasing your eyes.   Also ideally, choose something which doesn’t simply excite your passions because you are attempting to cultivate a relationship that goes beyond the hormonal, and we all know how hard it is to really pay attention when we’re feeling sexually driven.   Once you have chosen a form to relate to, take some private time to speak or write or sit and meditate with the image and communicate your intentions.  Be as clear as you can be and become humble enough to ask for help.  Ask the Goddess to teach you and be willing to listen to the messages you are given.  You may want to get a journal to keep with the image, that you can write your intentions and questions into, as well as recording any insights and answers that you receive.  This is a gentle, daily process and you will reap great rewards with the input of only a few minutes of focused attention every day.  It will also help you to keep your intentions present to yourself, especially in the moments when more challenging emotions or experiences come to the surface.  Your intention will form an anchor that keeps you present and allows you to trust in the process.
2. If you feel comfortable and safe with the women in your life, start to ask them to share their experience of the Divine Feminine with you and REALLY listen to them.  Do not listen to disprove, to be right, to figure it out, to get a specific outcome.  Instead listen more with the heart than with the mind, learn to listen to what is beneath and between the words, listen so that the woman you are listening to knows that she has been heard.
3. Make a commitment to uplifting at least one woman in your life, without telling her that you are doing it.  This may be your partner, your daughter, a woman you work with or even a cashier at the supermarket.  Make choices in your communication with this woman that are about increasing her sense of self-worth, giving her a positive experience of herself every day, supporting her to know that she has value and unlimited potential.  If it is someone close to you, take active steps to facilitate her actually getting to experience those qualities in herself and being able to make choices that take her closer to self-actualisation – for example, supporting her to take a class in something that she is inspired by, or encouraging her to express her creativity or explore her spirituality.  Start to taste the beauty that you get to experience in yourself when you know that the twinkle you see in her eyes is there because of the choices you made, and beyond that receive the gifts that she shares with you willingly as she grows into being able to receive your unconditional love and support.
4. Choose one trait/habit that you know does not serve the feminine in your life and really pay attention to yourself.  Whenever you see yourself play it out, take a moment to find out what the trigger was.  For most of us, it’s something to do with our sense of self-importance/self-worth being compromised or challenged.  When we feel threatened or insecure, we tend to lash out (verbally, emotionally, physically) or withdraw.  The feminine is very sensitive to these movements even though they may not be able to communicate how they know.  When you investigate yourself, you will probably find that the knee-jerk reaction automatically releases and you become available and open once again. 

The thing about women is, even when they don’t realise it or actively acknowledge it to themselves, they are incredibly intuitive, especially when it comes to friendship and relationship.  This is why just simply making a declaration about your intentions means little.  The women in your life will feel it when you make a change and they will respond even if it’s never talked about consciously.  Suddenly you will find them sharing more of themselves with you or reaching out to you in deeper ways.  You may find them getting stronger and being more assertive as they sense that they are really, finally, being seen and heard for all that they are. 

Revel in this shift for it is a gift that reminds you that the work you are doing with yourself is really paying off.  Acknowledge these women for what they are sharing with you or the ways in which you see them growing, let them know that you see the shifts and that you honour and appreciate them.  There may be emotional wobbles, as they learn to be comfortable stepping in to the next level of their own power and authority.  Do not be afraid of these wobbles, they are actually proof that the woman is growing and blossoming.  Give them space, support and encouragement.  Fight for the biggest vision you have for the expression of the Divine Feminine in their life and gently remind them that it’s always darkest just before dawn!

Translating the Touch of the Divine

Translating the touch of the divine into a word, a sentence, a paragraph is an art indeed.  You have awoken this desire within me and now I yearn to master this alone.  No Mother Tongue can help me here, in Rumi’s field.  There is a rhythm and a Grace to these unfolding words that no language can contain.  Beat down this mind so effectively schooled and open these fingers to your softest touch.  Write through me into forms that another’s eyes may rest upon and in resting, your touch be felt like the gentle morning breeze caressing me awake.  Here there is no space for mastery, mystery alone reveals itself eternally.  I will fail and in the falling your wings alone can carry me home.

Let this life be lived as a gesture unto you, an eternal prostration at your unseen joy and celebration in this unrecognised manifestation.  Those who call you by name are mistaken, for how can one word contain the ever present celebration of life itself.  This wind, those trees, the aching longing of the wave to reach the shore, only to be consumed back into the depths.  These are a travellers ever present  companions, missed in a futile attempt to reach an imaginary land.  How beautifully dost the nightingale sing and the hummingbird flutter to catch your sweet nectar while we in all our intelligence build buildings to house You and imagine we can form you out of stone.  The idol and the dross removed both melt in your sacred container.

Do these words need editing, can creativity sprung from emptiness be moulded into a formally correct and grammatical structure or is it the essence behind the words that catches at our hearts door and throws it open before the warden has a chance to reach for the key?

Can music be limited to the notes in my piano, or colour to the shades in my palette? Can life limit the outpouring of your beauty with a few carefully placed grammatical structures?  Do these words touch you or leave you cold, can your eyes flow effortlessly across the page as your mind is transported to a forgotten realm where all that you imagine disappears as effortlessly as the darkness with the arrival of the dawning sun.  No other purpose exists for these shapes and symbols scratched in the bare earth.  If you dissect and analyze will you touch the mystery that is pointed to or will you focus on the forms and miss the space in which they arise?  Imagine this was written in black ink on black paper, no matter the effort the mind would find no partner for it’s dance of dissection, so put it down and let it rest awhile in the tender embrace of the hearts warm pool and then perhaps, in a moment, you will recognise the love in which all existence dances without end.

How do we share ourselves authentically in social media?

It seems to me that with all this social media available to us, it’s relatively easy to create any kind of persona we fancy and with the right ‘marketing strategy’ (or so they tell you...), anyone can strike it rich. 

But this is the challenge of our times.  To have the courage to go beyond the surface of things, to take down all notions of needing to wear a mask or needing to protect ourselves from the ‘big bad world’ out there, and realise the intrinsic beauty and goodness that is at the heart of every single being on this planet (and the planet herself, for that matter!). 

I have been thinking about this a lot, mostly because I know I have a lot to share with the world and yet I constantly hit against these places of conditioning inside of me that tell me it’s not for me, or i can’t do it or i don’t have the right message and so on.....

So much of what is available to us speaks essentially of how to have more money, as if we still believed the myth that having money was the answer.  It sure is nice, it takes the pressure off in many ways, and yet in other ways, we can really miss out having money – we can afford to book a hotel room but we spend our time alone and miss connecting with the angels we meet when we ‘couchsurf’, we can afford to plan in advance and lose the joy and magic of spontaneously being in the moment, because the universe is providing exactly what we need, exactly when we need it...

One of the gifts of social media is that we can take the risk to be authentic and there are some wonderful examples of people doing just that, but it does take courage and we have to trust that this is truly what people want. 

I was recently speaking to a friend who was momentarily struggling and he said to me ‘i’m just searching on the internet for something to give me meaning’ or words to that effect.  What we are seeking often is connection, love, relationship that really represents us, especially if we feel that our work colleagues or our family and friends don’t really see or understand the deepest aspects of ourselves.  The internet gives us a little anonymity, a space in which we can explore what it feels like to be real, to express ourselves wholeheartedly, communicate our struggles and our successes and connect with people who can truly share in both.  If we continue to mask up and create strategies, we continue to perpetuate this myth that we are imperfect as we are...

What we most need in the world today is LOVE and that always has to start with ourselves.  So i’m going to step in and risk what I’ve probably been scared of.  I’m going to write – whatever is there – authentically and wholeheartedly.  The clarity, the struggles, the suggestions and tips.  But i’m going to write it from the heart, not as a strategy, but as a way to give you value, because I know in my heart that what i’m learning is universal and can benefit many people if i can find the words to express it.  I invite you to join me as I share my own experiences with healing (myself and others), teaching healing, awakening, spirituality, friendship and leaping into the unknown.  And i welcome you to share your journey with me: write, comment, respond ask questions.  Let us grow together in the realisation that we are truly ONE being expressing itself in many forms

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Blessed Be